Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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