I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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