Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
