i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
