ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
