so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
