Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
