I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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