if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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