This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
