omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
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he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
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In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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