Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
