How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
