Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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