I just cut my nipple shaving
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
