I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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