Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
