Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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