Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
