so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
