Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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