Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
