Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
