I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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