Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
