just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
