I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
