went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
