i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
