So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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