Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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