I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
