You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
