It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
How does it feel to date your dad?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize