why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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