No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i drank out of a bidet.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
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