Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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