Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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