He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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