She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
