I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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