you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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