2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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