Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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