her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
