True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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