Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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