Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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