I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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