Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
