I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i want to swaddle you in tequila
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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