I cannot find my penis.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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