remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
