you're like a bully in the Christmas story
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
