Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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