If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
